Now I recently saw a trailer for an interesting looking film in which a young man chases some big monsters around an olde time United States. Imagine my surprise when I learn that this is not only a film by Harry Potter author JK Rowling but also a para-prequel to the Harry Potter movies.
Here's the thing. I openly avoid all things Potter. The majority of my friends have visited the wizarding world of Harry Potter studios multiple times and rave about it repeatedly. Others have decorated their family homes with wands and other memorabilia that means absolutely nothing to me. My issue here is that I want to see this new film. It looks good and I have finally accepted that I want to be able to join in all of the conversations and laugh along with the jokes.
Harry Potter for the first time is my plan. The movies, obviously. Who has time to read like 7 books? Unlike Star Wars, the obvious place to start was the correct place to start and I borrowed Harry Potter and the Sorcerers Stone on blu-ray. (Yes, It's an American copy) Dubious and armed with my phone because I would undoubtedly get bored, I started. This is what I found....
Suddenly a large man appears on a flying bike, carrying a newborn baby. At this point I start to feel like this probably isn't the most realistic of films but we keep going. The baby is left on the doorstep of a lovely little detached house on a cul-de-sac in Surrey. More realistic by the moment. It turns out that this baby is our eponymous hero, Harry Potter.
Jump forward many years and Harry Potter is now a young boy and has a cool understairs man cave in Richard Griffiths' house. Pretty sweet. On further inspection it turns out that he lives with an annoying plump boy who deserves a good slap. He exclaims that he did not get enough presents for his birthday. Yet another case of bad parenting.
As a birthday trip we head to London Zoo. Harry starts chatting with a snake and decides to magic away the glass of it's enclosure, throwing his plump housemate into the enclosure. Snake's grateful and slithers off. Now let's ignore all the magic, this is the most unbelievable bit of the whole film. We all know what happens when a small boy falls into an animal enclosure.
Harry and the family arrive home and suddenly we start to receive letters. Richard Griffiths is not happy with this so decides to board up his letterbox. Nose/face much. However ,these owls are persistent and throw thousands of identical letters down the chimney. Letters that are all seemingly hand written. Someone has a sore wrist! Getting pretty angry with these owls, the family decide to move to a light house.
Alas, they were being followed. A large man breaks down their door who we have since learned to be Hogwarts employee Hagrid. Despite the aforementioned removal of glass at London Zoo, Harry seems to have no clue that magic exists and also claims to never have heard of Hogwarts, despite many thousands of letters flying around his house with the word written on it. Turns out Harry is a wizard. No surprise there. This scene only leaves me wondering who is funding this magical education. I mean, it cost me about £50k to get a degree at the University of Northampton. We must be talking a little more than that.
Suddenly we are in a pub in the 1880's and a guy in a turban shows up. Harry Potter is famous and everybody knows him. Probably those books from a few years back. It turns out that this is not ordinary Victorian pub with a man in a purple turban and giant standing in it. No, if you press the wall in just the right place you are transported to the lanes in Brighton for a bit of shopping.
Conveniently this is perfect for absolutely everything Harry Needs to start school. Probably all those independent retailers.
Next thing we know we are at Kings Cross Station and people are running through walls. Apparently the commuter traffic is blind to children walking through masonry so this goes entirely unnoticed. Harry clearly knows how to get ahead in the world as his first move to make a new friend is to through his new found wealth at the old dear with the buffet trolley. Pretty baller move there, Potter. Then we meet Hermione and she is a spoiled brat. Let's hope she gets eaten by a ghost or something.
Pretty sweet castle up in them Scottish Highlands, surprised us mere muggles have never noticed it. Suddenly Tom from McFly rocks up and it's pretty clear he has some sort of issue with our hero. Then it is time to meet my favourite character from the entire film, the talking hat who makes a living by randomly assigning eleven year old's to a school house. Straight away we learn that Griffindor = Good and Slitherin = Bad. There are also two other irrelevant houses, though not for Susan Bones, our newest Hufflepuff. I am assuming this is not the last we've heard of what is clearly a cracking name. On top of this, the talking hat clearly has his favourites. Our dear Susan Bones gets a swift 'Yeah, you're in Hufflepuff, mate' and our young Potter get's a full on essay talking through all the differences in his personalities. Favouritism.
In a close second to the talking hat in the favourite character list, we meet Nearly Headless Nick and what I can only describe as a flesh wound.
After a bit of dilly-dally-ing around some of Hogwarts first year modules, we find out what Susan from My Family does in her spare time - Teach young witches and wizards to ride brooms. That's not at all stereotypical of a wizard story now is it. Obviously comic relief Neville likes to ruin the class by going on a joyride and we get an insight into just how terribly this film has aged in the graphics department.
Suddenly, we stumble across a horrifically large three headed black dog and simultaneously learn that Hermione needs to sort her priorities. Ron is fast becoming king of the one-liners. At least he has a future in comedy if this wizard thing doesn't pan out (which I am started to suspect that it won't..)
The world of Quidditch is introduced to us. A broom and ball based game that seems to make up the rules as it goes along. Essentially, the whole game is pointless because if someone catches a small golden ball at any point, the game is over and that team wins, rendering all other points amassed pointless. Surprised the bigwigs at FIFA haven't adopted that rule yet.
All of a sudden turban guy is back and in the calmest possible way announces that there is a large troll running around and is probably going to kill everyone. Personally I wouldn't have been as calm, those things were terrifying.
No worries though. Ron saves the day with a sweet Wingardium Leviosaaaah (Thanks Hermione) and now everyone is fine. They kill a massive troll, save the entirely of the Hogwarts student body and faculty and they get awarded 5 points for Griffindor. Really? Only 5?. Whatever Dumbledore.
Most hilarious moment of the entire film is the moment Harry gets mail for the first time. He never gets mail in his cool under stairs man cave so this is clearly a great moment for him. My sympathy ends there as a large broom shaped package lands before him and Harry and his friends all exclaim in ignorance "I wonder what it is!?"
It's pretty clearly a broom Harry. Come on.
Time to see this game of Quidditch in action and it appears that alot of Bradford and Plymouth Argyle fans have shown up. Snape is up to no good and the Slytherin/Griffindor rivlalry continues. Killing an 11 year old seems a tad extreme to me but who am I to speak ill of the wizarding world.
Starting to look like turban guy has a bigger part to play in this as Snape is not happy with him for some reason. More on this later I assume.
Wahey! We are one 98 minutes into the film and finally we get a mention of the title! Up until the point the film may as well have been called Harry Potter and the Train Journey to School. However, this revelation comes at a cost when we are introduced to a dragon. Suddenly the film is now highly unbelievable. Tall people? Yep, believe that. Secret School? Happens all the time. Animals that turn into people? I have always secretly suspected.
Dragons are not real.
Time for Hagrid to show us his incompetence and commit a major safeguarding issue. Not only does he head into the woods with four pre-teens, he then sends two of them off alone to find something that has been killing unicorns. Good move there Hagrid. Good move. In another tick for the 'Really?' column,Harry is saved from a guy in a black hoodie by a centaur. Right, ok.
Finally everything starts to fall into place as the gang decide on a plan to save the Sorcerer's nay Philosophers Stone. Go and put the massive dog to sleep and head down a creepy trap door. What could possibly go wrong? Well i'll tell you what. Big snake vines that crush you unless you accept that they are going to kill you and only then will they let you go. Seems legit. Also, flying keys.
Now we are at the largest chess game of all time that conveniently has three spaces for our three heroes, despite the fact that Snape has just passed through here alone. Still, magic eh. Ron then takes the fan favourite title as he sacrifices himself for the good of the team. Good lad. I am assuming that his dramatic fall and certain serious injury has not killed him. Still got those cheeky one liners for another 7 films I hope!
I think it is obvious at this stage that Em Wats and my boy Rupe earned their millions throughout this entire saga. Cracking actors, even at eleven. Danny Rads, however. Danny Rads got the job because he looked a bit like the illustrators interpretation of JK's words. I was 11 at the right time, wish my Mum had been more on the ball and sent me to an audition. I certainly looked the part...
In a genuinely shocking twist, turban man is not only the major player I expected him to be but turns out to be the big bad guy that we've been battling all along. Wasn't even Snape trying to kill Harry, it was this blight. That said, we've got an odd whispering going on here. First thoughts. Nearly Headless Nick is the bad guy. Turns out in a further twist, turban guy is wearing his turban because he has an oddly dismorphed face on the back of his head and not, as first thought, for religious reasons. At this point, Harry believes he is better than everyone than else in the wizarding world and repeatedly states that this face is in fact Voldemort, despite the fact that we all know we are not supposed to utter his name. Little renegade our Potter.
Long story short, Turban/Voldemort wants the stone in order to complete his evil plan for some reason. Say's he'll bring back Harry's dead parents in exchange for the stone. To me, this sounds like a fair deal but Harry wants the headlines. Despite an attack from Turban Man, now sans turban, Harry discovers he has fire hands and burns off both faces of his attacker. Turban Man no longer needs his turban. Doesn't have a head.
Harry picks up the stone and we have reached the end of tale.
OR HAVE WE!
Voldemort is back as the smoke monster from Lost and flys through Harry and out of the door despite far quicker routes. Who planned that trip? TFL?
Harry wakes up in a hospital bed. Got some cool presents. Ron's fine by the way. Dumbeldore walks in and claims the victory for his own. He obviously knew what was going on the whole time but sent a novice 11 year old in to do the hard work. Luckily, karma gets him in the form of an earwax flavoured jelly bean. That'll learn him.
Smiles and feasts all round as the film draws to a close with Slitherin winning the House Cup. Celebrations ensue as Tom from McFly claims his victory.
BUT WAIT!
Dumbledore decides to add on a few points so that his mates win the cup. Bad leadership that. Bigger fix than the X Factor. Turns out Neville is the hero because he didn't want to lose any points. Good for him.
And that is it. All aboard the admittedly pretty sweet train home. Don't really know where Harry is heading at this stage though. I feel like he's burned all bridges with Richard Griffiths and annoying fat boy after the whole lighthouse affair. Premier Inn probably.
All in all, not a bad two and a half hours. I mean, it's no Miss Peregrines Home for Peculiar Children but it was an enjoyable romp. 6.5/10.
The most important thing to take away from all of this is that it is Wingardiaum Leviosaah not Wingardium Leviosa.
Also, does anyone have Mrs Weasley's number? I'm after one of those sweet pullovers she got Ron and Harry, obviously with a large A on it.
